Story by "Anonymous"

 

I am twenty-five and have been dealing, or attempting to deal with depersonalization for twenty years. I do not recall any of my time here on earth before age of four, so that time is irrelevant to me. I grew up in a dysfunctional environment, so it is my guess that depersonalization on my behalf may have risen from this period of my life. I know that when something terrible was occurring, I'd feel disconnected from it and even myself, when I reflect back to the incident, I can recall nearly every detail except the space that I occupied at the time. I feel like I never happened at that moment, like it was purely an abstract reflection, but I know those things happened I was there. The state of mind exists today in me, I know what I did today, I know because I did them, but in a week it will all feel like some fantasized event.

Speaking of dreams, I find that I can recall about eight percent of my dreams a year, I guess the most disturbing thing about this is they are re-occurring, and have been doing so for about fifteen years. They are so real that sometimes I have to think about them and analyze them to prove in my mind that they were merely dreams and not memories. This leaves me in a state of mind that my whole life has been false, that nothing is real, and there is no real sense to prove otherwise. I cannot connect with people, so I have no friends, I avoid conversation, I figure that it does no good, they don't listen anyways. I don't like being around people, including myself, but the latter I have found no escape from. I am trapped in a state of consciousness that has nothing to do with reality or existence itself. It's very numbing in here.


 

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