Story by "Anonymous"
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WOW. Along with the TEN QUESTIONS someone
presented in your forum and these quotes from your INTRO PAGE below..
*Your mind is always a million miles away.
All natural spontaneity and joy of living is gone. You know
something's wrong, and you're constantly battling with what it might
be, and evaluating how you feel*
*The person knows that something is
terribly wrong, and grapples with trying to figure out what it is. If
anything, it's the opposite of insanity. It's like being too sane. You
become hyper vigilant of your existence and things around you.*
*You close your eyes and turn inward, but
the very thoughts running through your head seem different. The act of
thinking itself, the stream of invisible words running through the
hollow chamber of your mind, seems strange and unreal. It's as if you
have no self, no ego, no remnant of that inner strength which quietly
and automatically enabled you to deal with the world around you, and
the world inside you. It may settle over time, into a feeling of
"nothingness", as if you were without emotions, dead. Or the
fear of it may blossom into a full-blown panic attack. But when it
hits for the first time, you're convinced that you're going insane,
and wait in a cold sweat to see when and if you finally do go over the
edge.*
I have become a former shell of myself. often
wondering incredulously how I got here. or other times mourning
the ever so distantly growing memory or ME. or I should say the me
that I loved and was. She seems to have been a totally different
person. Lover and giver, an eternal optimist. Someone who
loved life, embraced it. "I AM Woman, hear me roar" type of
thing. I was going to live life to the fullest. and could resource
anything at anytime. I felt like a very successful person. In fact my nickname
given to me by others was "Ms. Happy* because I loved life and
everyone in it so much.
Now at 47 , after struggling with many chronic
illnesses and being on meds that I know are effecting my brain
functioning...I feel as if I am 3 years old. I literally almost hate
this new person. I worry constantly, feel totally and routinely pushed
aside by the medical community and am keenly aware of the fact that if
you are NOT a person of wealth in this country...you are NOT worth
trying to save.
The only thing I do have left is my intellect. and
I have come to view it as a curse now , instead of a blessing. I often
go to bed praying death will come or another stroke will come and take
all of my intelligence away. I seem to *see* things that many
others can not. the bias against people without money, the
depersonalization in the world itself. where we judge other by what
they have.. not by their heart. The deterioration of the
medical/mental health community from patient -oriented to more
business like "bottom line profit" mode.
I have spent almost the last 4 years alone
and baseline agoraphobic. My days are one of anguish/anxiety and
numbness at the same time.
Tonight I have to go grocery
shopping..(I am a sandwich child...having an 85 year old father to
take care of and two grown children and a grandchild.) I
had always been called the *strong one of the family* all
my life. now they can not or will not see I am NOT that
person anymore. This makes me feel even more of a failure and a disappointment.
So food shopping falls on me. I
dread it. I tried to go through the coupons and found I could
barely think. The thought of physically going to the supermarket and
having to walk down aisles and go through coupons and even exert
energy into the real world. it feels so draining. like an impossible
task. That makes my cry. WHY? What has happened to me?
Where did I go? I look in the mirror and
hate who I see now.
I do not know how I got this way. nor feel
able to get out of it.
I wake every morning feeling like a
startled infant, beat up and thrown away by life and myself.
No matter how much sleep I get, I
always feel exhausted. Talking to others at times feels like too much
effort. If I do go places, I never feel like I was truly there. Not
the ME I knew anyway. I love my granddaughter but can not feel the
love for her. My capacity to be in the here and now has faded.
This is a horrible disorder.
I wish it on no one.
I would love to have my brain scanned by
the new imaging.. but fear that at this time. it is for people
of wealth and not SSD throwaways like me that society has deemed
too expensive ( or complicated to try and save. )
That hurts me to think that I am now
worthless because I do not have money. I think our world and its
changing values has also contributed to more and more people feeling
left out and truly unimportant.
Sorry if I rambled. This is a very hard
thing for me and even to write these words above is an exercise in
terror.
I no longer feel as if I am living in the
world but simply existing. I cry out at times and no one ever seems to
hear. Or even when they do hear ( I am still very keen as far as being
able to pinpoint my problems and what could or may help) ..I get told
for the hundredth time that.. "Yes this would help or that would
help but your insurance doesn't cover it" or "Sorry that is
only for those who can afford it."
It is terrifying to feel so empty and also
so alone in your mind and in this world.
Perhaps I have died already and just do
not know it.
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