Story by "Charley"


Dear Reader,

I woke up one morning droning from my bed to my restroom, which had a broken toilet and a cracked sink from a minor earthquake 3 months before.  The heavy oxygen from the moldy basement I lived dormant in for 4 years was allot more thick than usual.  The 10 year old red carpet strung out across the room as if trying to escape from the 12 foot hole I called "my room."  The dim light from the uncovered bulb smears a slight tan through out my six foot tall body.  

By the time I reach the bathroom with my ripped under shorts and my fake tan, I look in the mirror and realize That I am actually 15 years old.  As if before I had no recollection of age at all.  Confusing right?  That's the point.  I Conclude it was from the marijuana the morning before.  I lazily do my routine, wash my face, brush my teeth, and back to my room to get dressed.

My mind freezes.  "How did I get here?  What the hell happened?" I ask myself while feeling my shirt and pants on my body which weren't there ten minutes ago.  "Has it been that long?"  "No, its only been 5."  Retracing, I had found that everything that I have done has felt as if I have floated, has felt as If I am in a dream.  

I skipped school that day feeling ill.  Not physically, mentally.  I felt an insanity, some sort of unstable mentality.  Many people that I have read about in depersonalization has said that they had become depressed, then acquired depersonalization.  My experience was in some way reversed.  After realizing that I had this feeling all the time, I would have short waves of dark clouds above my head, sunny days didn't seem so sunny anymore.  and rainy ones felt good.  

After several months of having this, not knowing the name, just thinking that I have gone mad, I had quickly picked up many ways in which I can some how for a short time get rid of it.  And here is what would work for a brief time for myself:  Ice cold showers, adrenaline rushes, Orgasms, waking up in a hot room and going outside to breath in a huge breath of cold air, swimming.

Now, here are some of the things that would make the depersonalization stronger:  Any type of aerobic work out, hot showers, hot tubs, sauna's, large groups of people around me, being indoors,  Right when i first wake up in the morning, alcohol, and marijuana.

I am now twenty years old, And still face this everyday.  But in some ways I like having it.  Its like a blanket, or a shield I can crouch behind whenever I want.  And sometimes, Its even a blessing.



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