Story by "Johan"

 

Hi all!

My name is Johan and I have had the symptoms of DP for 20 years.  First I'd like to apologize for making abuse on the English language since English is not my native tongue, (Swedish is).

I recall the first time I felt strange, it was when our class was in an amusement park, my theory is that the stress I felt when heading for the
rollercoaster triggered something in my head.  The feeling was not really unpleasant, it made me manage the fear for the attractions in some way, but on the other hand what was it??

It felt like being embedded in cotton and gliding around 2 inch above ground and feeling unclear but not drunk.  After a night of sleep I was normal again.

During the next 2-3 years I had this experience maybe 10 times and especially at discos, I did no drugs at this time, not even booze. Then 1982 we went with our school class on a school trip, celebrating end of high school. Much booze, almost no sleep and a lot of dancing and so.  After these two intense days I have had DP.

Like many (all) of you friends here I tried hard to "wake up" but I kind of trapped in a state where you are not completely awake. As time went by I tried to find out via books etc what it was I could be suffering from. I stumbled over DP diagnosis in a medical book but the explanation was not 100%.  I am married and have 2 children today, I have tried to explain to my wife how I feel, guess the result :-) ? Yep, right. She experience problems in understanding me and I don't blame her.

I have faced fact that I most likely will feel this way the rest of my life and have accepted it...what really, really have helped a LOT is that I am not alone. Finding this site made me almost cry, I wanted to hug my screen!

If it somewhere in the future will be a cure for this DP then I would love it but now one can kind of only hang on and do the best out of it. I have tried so hard "waking up" but I now realize there is no use.  After all these years I have gotten some kind of used to it, I wake up in the morning and don't think so much about it. More focusing on daily work etc.

For me the "DP feeling" is like not being able to open one's eyes completely but kind of walk around with semi closed eyes although they are open. I have never experienced anxiety and am happy for that.  There is also some kind of warm comfort feeling but again It would be sooo wonderful to feel the sharp fully awake feeling.

One odd thing is that maybe once a month it comes over me so totally the fact that I will someday die...it is somewhat difficult to explain correctly but it is an insight that one day everything stops and that's it!

I have read that DP people not seldom have this existential type of thoughts.

Well that was my story, thanx for reading and hoping it can help a little bit for someone somewhere sometime.


If you like please email me at alpha7_johan@hotmail.com and to all of you, hang on!

*Warm hugs*



These words below make a strong a impression on me, I would like to share:

"Even though I walk trough the valley of the shadow of the death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me."  (Psalm 23 part of verse 4)

- Johan
 

 

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