Story by "Katie"

 

First let me start by telling you a little about myself. I'm a 23 year old, male to female transsexual, computer programmer. I've been fighting with myself most of my life for many reasons. I've had panic attacks for most, if not all, of my life. I'm not sure when, or for that matter if, my problems with DP started.

I always have felt different and felt a little 'bizarre'. Only now as a look back do I notice it all. I've had multiple DP episodes through out my life, most of them involve a complete loss of time and self. During my childhood this would usually happen by having time completely speed up. It felt as if for a moment I was living inside a time flux. Everything felt really fast, almost too fast. Thoughts would buzz through my head that felt almost foreign to me. I would do normal things like typing and during this episodes everything felt like to was happening at an unbelievable speed. I would frequently feel as though I was watching myself, and my life, all time mostly still aware that I was living it, but it just felt really 'unreal'.

When I was growing up I never thought to much of it, and some of the time thought it was kind of cool ^_^. Then as I got older I found out that not ever one felt like this. I would mention things like have time shift to certain friends or family and got anything but the reaction I was expecting. For instance when I told my mom what was happening, she told me: "I must never tell anyone these things, or they would think I was insane." I didn't think much of it being only about 13 at the time. Besides I was rather busy trying to understand my own gender and sexuality, so I didn't give it much thought, I just thought of it as the way I 'was'.

As I continued to grow up my I never thought to much about my way of seeing the world, aka DP, but my internal gender and sexuality issues caused me a great deal of strife. Feeling like a hetro female in a man's body is no better accepted then having people think you've lost your mind. So during the winter of 2000 I attempted suicide, I ended up in a coma for a month. When I got out of the coma, my DP symptoms had all but vanished. I went several years without experiencing anything ever again, all the while using some fairly large amounts of recreational drugs. Then about a two years after my coma, my DP episodes cam back in full force. Nothing really brought them on I was just standing at work, one moment feeling 'normal', the next moment ever thing changed. My vision changed slightly, my head felt light and tingly. I closed and rubbed my eyes, and the was the last time I felt 'normal'. I though I was going insane. I continued to see myself live my life, or hearing myself speak and would think I don't remember wanting to say that, or do that. As if I was not really the one doing it. After that I stop doing recreational drugs sure that they were causing the problems. This changed nothing, I didn't feel any 'worse' or 'better'. My moments of time flux returned I continued to have feelings of not really being 'there' or 'here'. I would have thoughts like: "Maybe I died and didn't know it.", "Maybe nothings real.", "I'm not saying this, words are just coming out." - thought during a conversation. I go though moments when I feel unconnected to my body, although I remain in full control. I'll look at my are and not even know its my arm (mostly my right side), I'll look at myself in the mirror and completely not really recognize who is look back at me. The worst part was the state of panic I would go into anytime something like this happened. I eventually went to a Dr. who put me on Paxil for the panicking, which really had no effect. It didn't really make things worse for me just had no effect. After many failed attempts to have a professional tell me what was 'wrong' I began trying to find out myself, so I turned to the best source of help I know of, the Internet. I first cam across things on Agoraphobia, Panic Disorders, then Schizophrenia and Personality Disorders. Then almost by accident I ended up getting this site in some of my search results. From the moments I first connected to the site and saw the flash animation, through all the stories, I simple could not contain myself. I can't believe there are others like me out there. I'm filled with an awe and wonder at how I went so long without knowing, or finding this out. But am so thankful for finding this site. I know there is nothing really wrong with me despite the fact that I have a different perspective on reality then those around me, and a different one then the one I once did. It seems from my own experience with DP, and the stories on the site, that the only real problem that DP causes is the 'panic' and 'stress' of having your reality go through a paradigm shift. I'm filled with a peace knowing I'm not alone and I'm not insane. Thank you for your site and the support of your and your visitors. Thanks. Sincerely, Katie, XOXO



 

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