Story by "Linda"
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What a relief to find that there is a name
for what I am experiencing and that I am not alone in this; although,
I'd not wish this on anyone. So here we are....all in this
physical world but NOT! ....all in our little bubbles.
Last night something happened that made me
realize how bad my DP is right now and motivated me to write and make
contact with others who have depersonalization disorder. I went
to bed and woke up a short time later to find that I still had my
glasses on....so I removed them and put then on the bedside table.
When I woke up today (I laugh as I write this because I really never
wake up!), I thought, that I must have dreamed that about my glasses
but when I looked....there they were....beside me just like I
remembered. I usually leave them over beside the computer.
This made me realize how severe my DP symptoms are right now.
This experience fits right in with what I
was thinking yesterday. It came to me that my life was like a
Holodeck on Star Trek except my body was part of the hologram,
too....and so are my glasses, of course. I feel as though there
is no difference in the 'stuff' that all around me is made of.
It is just the backdrop that Soul creates to have a particular
experience called life in the physical third dimensional
world...except in our case has become life in the two dimensional
world. I really noticed yesterday when I was driving that I have
difficulty with it because there is no depth perception. I drive
by using past experience to know when to start slowing down. I
guess it's like living in a video game......the illusion of 3
dimensions on a flat screen.
My history:
I have had this 'disorder' as long as I
can remember. As I read through all the other stories, I could
take out sentences here and there and put them all together and that
would be me. As I very young child I remember looking up at the
stars and wondering where I really came from because it sure isn't
here where everything is so strange.....so unreal. As a child I
had nothing to compare it to and didn't know it wasn't like this for
everyone else and I never spoke about it. I grew up in a very
violent household with an alcoholic father who beat my mother and me
sometimes until he left when I was 12.
In public school I always had to go to
school with a friend because I was very disconnected and had no sense
of time and was terrified of being late. I felt most comfortable
in nature where I didn't have to relate on a personal level so I only
had one friend.
High school was a nightmare. I got
lost in school all the time and lost my locker and combination, too.
They told me I had an IQ of 143 and I should go one to
university...but how terrifying was that thought. I tried to
kill myself twice while a teen and ended up quitting school just
before graduating because it was just too much to cope with. Surprisingly,
they gave me all my subjects except for math.....Amazing to me.
I had DP since a young child but in my
40's I had recall in several dreams of being sexually abused as a
child but don't know if this was a cause or just my life. I did
the typical drug thing of the late 60's and early 70's, I was a hippie. but
when I had my son I stopped. Also, found that by the time I
stopped drugs, it only took one 'toke' from a joint to send me into
super-stone mode and I couldn't handle the way it made me feel....no
control.
Having a baby/child to be responsible for
in DP is also a nightmare. This stress of being a single parent
and coping with migraines and no support made the DP worse. I
remember thinking that if my son died, that would be ok with me....I
wouldn't grieve...I wouldn't miss him. My son is now 30 and is
not speaking to me. Now that I have a name for my experience, I
could explain this all to him but he won't have anything to do with
me....so I respect his wishes (heck....I don't feel anything about
that either....so what difference does it make). I know there
are feelings about this in me because they all came out the last time
I spoke with him but I seem to need some kind of extreme trigger to
access my feelings.
Now and for the past 20 years, I have had
MCS (Multiple Chemical Sensitivities) so I am extremely affected by
chemicals in that they effect my central nervous system and trigger
worse DP. (chemicals like many prescription drugs, alcohol, perfumed
products, paint, pollution, smoke, cleaning products, etc). I
worked in a toxic environment and everything worsened at that
time.....my words were coming out all jumbled up, I had heart
irregularities, extreme dizziness, muscle pain and spasm, extreme
fatigue.
I am extremely sensitive to
everything....light, sound, smells.
When the anxiety cycles hit, I deal with
it by eating. Somehow the chewing and swallowing 'brings me
down' just as if it were a high on drugs. I never feel hunger or
fullness.....just eat when I think it must be time or when I am driven
to it. I put on so much weight and didn't even see it happening
because, of course, I am not my body.....it is part of the unreal
hologram.
What I think:
I have had Out of Body experiences twice
where I looked down and saw my body on the bed....so I know I'm not my
body. I have seen myself as Soul.....a shinning ball of light or
a point of awareness. I am a spiritual being of higher frequency
having a physical experience.
Depersonalization Disorder is a name that
doctors have given to a set of symptoms. Once they discover
something happening in enough people, some doctor with give it a name.
I am not a set of symptoms, I am a spiritual being having an
experience. My Higher Self has chosen the DP experience for this
life.
There is a life force, an energy that
sustains and permeates all. I have been able to see and hear
this since my teens (before taking drugs). I once found this
description of it in a book, "what appears to be fine cosmic
energy all around them...as if they are 'seeing air' or 'life
force'.....energy snow. For some, microscopically minute energy particles
seem to vibrate everywhere in the field of vision, while others
perceive patterns in this cosmic energy that are specific to different
plants, animals, or even other's emotional states." This
from a book written by a MD who had a near death experience. ('A
Farther Shore' by Yvonne Kason, MD)
So I have determined my truth is
this...the only reality is the life force I see and hear (spirit?) and
the 'point of awareness' that is me (individual Soul) as one individualized
extension of one Higher Self. The physical world is a stage on
which to gain experience. For most people the stage is totally
real.....whereas, I live in fluctuating stages from total immersion to
standing outside and viewing as an observer. I believe that as a
group, mankind and the planet are shifting into a higher
dimensional reality and many of us with 'weird' symptoms are
forerunners.
Because of the chemical sensitivities and
physical symptoms I was able to get provincial disability, thank god,
because i sure couldn't work like this. I live a very isolated
life in a bachelor apt to keep myself safe from the exposures and this
sure doesn't help the DP when I hardly go out. When I do, I
often have to wear a mask. I can get lost in the TV, or a
book.....it is often the only way I experience feelings because I can
become all the actors and experience what they are feeling.
At least it is a good way to test myself to see if the emotional
'plane' is still in my existence....yes, it is, but I am just
unplugged from it. Physically, I am a 54 year old woman but I
feel that I am timeless and ageless.
Wow.....this is getting really long and it
is only a brief. (Why is it so easy to type and impossible to write by
hand?....some weird brain thing, huh!!!) I tried to re-read what
I wrote but at this moment it seems that I'm capable of writing but
not comprehending what I wrote....so I'll just post it and hope for
the best.
I ran across a site on a search of DP that
really hit home with me and will share if that's ok. Perhaps,
some of this will resonate with you.
If you wish you may write me at
Living in the Here and Now.....
Linda
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