Story by "Lizzie"

 

Finding this website has been a huge relief for me. For the longest time now I was convinced that I may have a brain tumor or something; perhaps not. I have been seeing a psychiatrist for some time.  She prescribed me Zoloft which I have been on for a little over a year. It has helped with my depression, but not with these rather startling episodes I have. I try to explain them to her.  Her best conclusion is panic attack.  I have had panic attacks, but they seemed to be triggered by this depersonalization.
 

I suppose this has been with me my whole life.  It wasn't until recently that it has been effecting my daily life. It was one episode that started it all, after which, I cannot think too much, or I will lose myself somewhere. I was driving with my sister.  We were on vacation and it was my turn to take over the wheel.  I was fine for awhile, but then I noticed myself drifting.... I could see my hands on the steering wheel, but they weren't mine. I was somehow behind myself looking at these hands and wondering how it is my flesh.  I couldn't get out of it. I couldn't understand or comprehend anything happening.  I tried controlling my body but I was trapped watching from a distance.  I could see the cars in front of me on the expressway, but they were so odd to me.  I couldn't understand or judge distances between them. They seemed like robotic monsters.  It was frightening, as if I was asleep all this time, inside myself and now I had awaken to this new, odd world.  I kept thinking focus, focus on the road, but I was lost in these thoughts, confused and scared.  We had to pull over and my sister took the wheel. This has frightened me a lot and now while I drive I cannot think to much or I will leave myself again as I did that day.

 

These thoughts and feelings seem to also take over while I'm talking to people or explaining something to them. I am an artist. So in the middle of a critique I find myself drifting away and I am again lost inside myself.  I can hear myself talk, but l have no control over what I'm saying, almost as if I was on autopilot.  I then get confused and stumble over words.

 

I seriously thought something was going on within me; afraid I was turning schizophrenic had crossed my mind many times. I get scared of my body sometimes. I will be lost in thoughts and notice that I'm actually a human as if I never saw one before. I am often disturbed by my own presence and get shy as if I were someone else. I don't feel human at times. Like I'm an identity that was never fully connected to my physical being. I am a straight girl, but I have found myself startled by the fact that I have sexual organs at all.  Then I start to think about what really makes me one certain sex is my body.  My mind seems wandering as if I could float from body to body.  Its odd at times and I feel alone a lot . I have trouble explaining to my boyfriend or family without sounding crazy but I at least know now that there are others like me with similar experiences.... I wonder what it all means....what's happening to us all?


 

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