Story by "Marie"

 

I blamed the pot at first... but then realized, while thinking back on it dp came, when I was alone, when I was scared, when I was about four years old.
It's hard for me to remember, the exact circumstances that brought it out. especially back then.    it was there, in me, a long time ago.  When I was really small.  No body did anything really bad to me. (no abuse).  As far as I can remember . I had these  episodes where I thought the whole world was fake.  That it was made up.  That if I could catch people off guard, I would find out they were fake and everything around me was fake.  I kept trying to catch all these fakers in the act.  Even my parents were imposters.  I can remember my mom coming at me for a good night kiss.  and just trying to get away from her thinking she should not be near me, because she is not real.  she was like a replacement or something. 
sometimes I felt real, or maybe that I was the only thing real and maybe I was special in that regard.  that I would find the other 'real' people  some day. 
Then other times I was as unreal as everything else.  I would get these episodes mostly when I was alone. which was a lot. 
 
I forgot about that stuff. I could go on  about that ,..but.  here's where the real stuff started happening. .. I have nothing against pot or the people that smoke it.  the more the merrier. what ever works.  But for me that's where it started again like as soon as I smoked that joint my self melted away.  I smoked it for along time.   then one day I got right f$#ked up!   it first started with this feeling of something crawling on my skin , on the back of my neck.  then the loud thoughts started coming one after the other like I would ask  a question and the loud thought  answer would answer.  it could not possibly have been me. 
 
so much started going on with my body, I didn't care if it was me or Satan or whatever.   I felt like I forgot how to breathe.  I felt like I  was dieing, of course .  Like I was sinking into madness like quicksand. it was bringing me down. insanity, suffocating me.  
 
The loud thoughts echo and repeat and some are whispers or echoes of things thought before and new ones are coming before the others are gone.  and trying to walk, I started sliding to the side  well the floor seemed like it was coming up but I was really falling.  and all time slowed down and minutes were a bloody eternity. time was warped.  and twitches started intermittently coming and unpredictable.  
 
I then, completely, finally separated from myself, entirely.   at times I saw my self, from outside, and had thoughts of myself and myself at the same time and one  self speaks and the other one answered. 
 
 It did not seem strange because I was so, so terrified.  Thinking "I will never do this again." " just let me live" , god, or whoever , and "I will never do this ever, again."  
 
 I have stayed in this state for hours, trying  to talk myself into being "o.k."   this thing is just like a bad acid trip, but it sure as hell isn't.  it comes from nowhere and alters you permanently. it goes hard for hours till you pass out from sheer exhaustion.  it comes in and out of your consciousness, at later dates.  you never fully recover. 
 
and don't bother seeing the doctor boys and girls.  they only give you drugs that don't work.  i have had years of experience with this.  and tried it all!  there is one thing that works for me, never done me wrong, but it is illegal, and would be wrong to say.  lets just say what it's not.  it's not meth it's not crack, it's not pot.....
 
You will get better as time goes on.
Don't sit idle, keep events scheduled.
Keep the radio on, it seems to keep it at bay, light a light, on in the dark, keeps bad things away.
Read other peoples stories
Don't let the anxiety part of it get you, because this life is just too short, to let it win


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