Story by "Maya"

 

My name is Maya and I'm 16. I've never done drugs majorly, I've tried pot like at most 10 times, and I've never had a traumatic experience besides this 'new business'. 

About 5 weeks ago I had a panic attack. It was late and I got ready for bed like usual, but when I went to lie down I was suddenly overwhelmed with thoughts. There were so many and they were just streaming through I jumped up and woke my mom up. I was shaking pretty bad and I just kept telling her everything felt like it was a dream.  She didn't really get it and neither did I, I just prayed that when I woke up, everything would be back to normal.

Well I eventually fell asleep only to have a second panic attack the next morning. A friend's mom who is a social worker recommended I go to a psychiatric hospital nearby. We went and by the time I was finally seen I felt completely normal. He told me II wasn't crazy and that I had a common panic attack. He prescribed Zoloft anyway, and I've been taking 100 mg a day since. At first it was working well, I wasn't as anxious and I was glad I wasn't "crazy". 

About two weeks ago in school, I suddenly lost my sense of depth. Everything around me looked like one entire screen and it felt like I was watching the world go by, and my mind was on the outside, helplessly watching everything. This feeling only brought on another panic attack and I went home. I spent that entire day on this site. On the one hand I would like to think it helped me in that I know I'm not the only one with this horrible feeling, but unfortunately it caused somewhat of an obsession. Since I am pretty much a hypochondriac, I have convinced myself I have chronic depersonalization. This feeling has gotten noticeably worse since I've visited this site, and I promised myself I wouldn't go back. However its gotten almost unbearable and I am only writing for help.

I feel like every thing I do is an involuntary movement, and that there is nothing grounding me. Of course all of you know how difficult it is to describe this but I feel like I have to try. Somewhere inside I know that when I'm engaged in something, its fine. If I am with people or doing work, its also fine. Its when I'm alone with my thoughts that it gets out of control. I try not thinking about it, but of course that's impossible. I've tried meditating, breathing, and even confronting the fear, but nothing has seemed to work. I think because I'm on the Zoloft, I am not having panic attacks about it, it is just this constant disturbing feeling. Its almost like living in death. I would consider suicide but if this isn't real I can't even imagine what would happen to my mind if I died. Basically, this whole situation is really depressing me. I pretty much go to sleep after I'm finished with my homework and I end up crying hopelessly every day. I think i just recently fell in love and I want to really experience that but i feel this is preventing me from doing so.

Also, I forgot that today I came up with a new fear that not only am i detached from the world, but that maybe the world isn't even real. It's this sick fear that maybe nothing is real and that there is some horrible thing waiting for me to realize. I dunno just thinking about it makes me sick. That's why I'm writing. I can't live with this anymore. I'm only 16 and MY BIGGEST FEAR is that I will have this the rest of my life. Some people on this site said they cant have kids...etc. That's also part of my fear. I really really want to lead a normal life. So if anyone has had a success story with depersonalization (that doesn't really make sense since a person wouldn't be on the site if they were better), but if they have please contact me at lilcutiem425@aol.com.
          Thanks for listening


 

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