Story by "Melissa B"

 

I was once diagnosed with major depression and at the time, that seemed the most logical explanation...all I wanted was an explanation.  I was on Zoloft for a time, and it only helped for a few months though I stayed medicated for a couple of years.  I decided to stop after my doctor wanted to increase my dose for the 3rd time.  I refused to be on it for the rest of my life periodically watching the pills get bigger and multiply in number.  I have a fear of chemicals...although, a frontal lobotomy has always seemed to be a possible route *laughs*.  A therapist told me once "just stop thinking so much".  I laughed to myself and thought, "Oh, is that all I have to do?  WOW THANKS!"

I'm 26 years old and my story is different from some I have read here.  I had a happy childhood.  Perfect in a sense.  I grew up an only child.  I have two parents who love each other to this day, they aren't overly religious just spiritual and very caring.  I remember as a kid never being told but BELIEVING my parents knew God personally I thought they knew everything and when I got older I would know God too...I would know everything.  I never had any completely tragic or traumatic experiences.  No deaths in the family or close friends, no abuse of any kind, no accidents or injuries until I was 18.  But I can remember being at daycare when I was about 5 years old looking "out from myself".  I felt so separate from everything on the playground.  I felt like I was "magic" because I could go over into a remote corner to the swings, and no one ever seemed to notice me.  I loved thinking about turning invisible and watching people.  When other kids were around, they typically weren't very nice to me but I think that's how kids dealt with someone who wasn't quite like them.  They hurt my feelings a lot and I think this only made me more hypersensitive to my own surroundings.  A good example of when this began...I can remember being about 8 or 9 years old and thinking about colors and I said to my mom, "we learn colors but do we all see the same colors?"  My mom is very patient and she listened even though I'm not sure it made any sense to her.  I held up a red crayon and went on "we learn this as red, but how do I know aren't seeing say purple or green but you learned it as red and so you call it red."  Her response was "I don't know but you have a point".  My dad liked to play "devils advocate" I guess that could have something to do with how I look at things but I'm not sure.  In his mind, he was trying to teach me how to argue my points or opinions without giving in to others too easily.  Even if he agreed with me he would often take the other side not to confuse me but to get me to understand that the world will not always be exactly as I see it or expect it to be.  But when I was about 16 I can remember him telling me that he remembers when he was younger feeling like an "alien" and watching people go about their routines as he thought, "what am I doing here?".  I explained that was a common perception of my own.  Perhaps it's hereditary?  Then about 2 years ago my dad said something that hit me...for some reason, it made sense and when I feel like I might break under my own thoughts, I hear his voice in my mind say "Melissa, everything is as it should be."  I forget this a lot and sometimes I don't want to accept it but deep down I think it's probably the most simple yet profound concept I could ever hope to grasp.

Another interesting thing about my own experience is the fact that I've never done drugs.  Other than Zoloft when I was 21 until I was almost 23, there have been no other mind altering or psycho reactive drugs that I have put into my body.  I sometimes have a drink or two with friends but believe it or not, I've never been drunk.  I'm afraid of those things.  But all my friends have tried or do some things like alcohol, pot, pills, ecstacy, coke etc.  I have asked a lot of them how it feels what they think and what they see etc.  It's all interesting but I'm too afraid of doing it myself.  I have had dreams that I've taken a pill or LSD and in the dream I'm realizing that in a few minutes everything will change...and I'm terrified.  I know "junkies" and I think about how their soul has been shrouded...I wonder why some people get horribly addicted and others can pick it up or put it down accordingly.  I wish sometimes I could just let go and be myopic...only seeing what's in front of my face and not a bigger picture.  What a relief it would be to be controlled by my environment instead of  my emotions or some Jiminy Cricket conscience/inner voice.  I feel jealous of those who are easily amused and those who can forget consequence.  I wonder what makes me afraid...but if I let go of the fear, I may regret it.  

I have a boyfriend but he's in Iraq right now.  Iraq is something I've stopped myself from pondering because it can just be too much...too many avenues and with friends and the man I love over there, I'm afraid I'll drive myself to madness.  I'm alone a lot and it doesn't occur to me that loneliness bothers me until I have a thought episode.  Where I start to realize that nothing is forever and maybe I should be a better friend, daughter, girlfriend etc.  I accidentally assume that ALL people have ulterior motives for wanting anything to do with me, I think most people are using me for something.  But I like people a lot and even though I'm not very trusting of their motives, I tend to crave some attention and also be a "mother bird" attempting to keep peace and take care of friends.  I love interaction...especially conversations laced with humor!  I'm very sensitive to touch to a point that I think sometimes touch is the only thing that brings me back from the brink of some kind of abyss.  I'm afraid of a lot of people but when I'm touched in an affectionate (not necessarily sexual) way, I get goose pimples and my head spins --- dizziness to a point that my eyes are forced closed...it's the closest thing I imagine a drug to be.  I love to press my face into people when I hug them and lose myself in the way they smell.  On the other hand, getting me to go out and be with people is a job in itself.  Thank God for the most part my friends are tolerant of me.  After I make plans I may decide a week in advance I'm not in the mood.  It's nothing personal against anyone, it's more that in my mind I picture the process of it all...the process of getting ready to leave the house, the drive to meet everyone, the interactions, the smells, the people I may or may not like or agree with then finally the fact that more than likely I will be the sober driver....I get tired just thinking about it all and lose motivation. 
 
I have noticed gray hair and I picture myself getting older and I picture it happening right then, my face will get dryer, my skin thinner and the corners of my eyes will turn down.  I'm not afraid of being old, I'm afraid of missing something...afraid of being unhappy which begins a whole new cycle of thought processes.  But what will make me happy?  I don't know because I don't feel unhappy right now but I'm not necessarily happy either...I know there's got to be more.  What should I do?  What's the cosmic reason for me in general?  I make the mistake of pondering things that can't really be pondered.  I peel it apart like an onion until all I have left are pieces of onion and I wonder why I started peeling in the first place.  I work full time and find some relief in a day to day routine.  Sleep has always been a nice escape but too much sleep brings on vivid dreams that force me to wonder what in my subconscious lead to the dreams and oh goodness...here we go again........"Everything is as it should be"???.................It's nice to know that others are in my same boat...Thanks everyone. 

 

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