Story by "Lizzie"
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I don't really know where to start. Before
getting online and "searching" I had no idea that there were
so many other people who felt the same way I did. Like many others I
have never been officially diagnosed with depersonalization, but reading
what others have described, symptoms exactly like my own, I don't know
what else it could be.
I suppose I'm probably "lucky", as
I have only fleeting moments of DP, usually lasting anywhere from a
second to maybe 5 minutes. I have these "moments" at least
once a day, though stress seems to bring them on more often and for
longer periods of time.
Some things about me..: I am a 20 yr.-old
woman. I am in college full-time and I work full-time. My symptoms
are not a result of drug use. I have had DP symptoms for about 2 years.
I don't currently have any mental illness, though I would say if
anything my "mental health" started on a downhill slide about
5 years ago when I developed anorexia nervosa, which I "got
over" in about a year. Since then I have had occasional bouts of
depression but nothing really serious. I'm very introverted, a
"loner." I don't spend much time with the few friends I do
have. I haven't had a date in almost 2 yrs. I'm more comfortable keeping
everyone at arm's length.
Certain thoughts always seem to trigger my
DP episodes: thinking about death, the finality of it and my own
mortality; thinking about my body, focusing on my body, anatomically,
such as: "when I close my eyes to sleep, my eyeball rolls down, my
eyelid shuts"..; concentrating on my physical actions.
Now to the nitty-gritty.. how do I feel
during DP episodes? I think the term "perceptual shift"
describes it well.
*Detached. I suddenly become very aware that
my mind and my body are two very separate things.
*Sometimes my arms do not feel attached to
my body, like they might not even be my arms.
*Tunnel vision.. like I've pulled my mind,
my "self", so far back into my body that I'm looking out my
eyes like I'm looking through binoculars. Or I might describe it to
someone who wears glasses as the way you see when you first got glasses;
when you see the frames out the corners of your eyes, before you learn
to ignore them.
I wonder what causes DP? Is it a chemical
problem? Is it really a mental illness? Maybe we are not "ill"
at all. Maybe we're tapping into something that most people can't or
won't recognize?
I wish I had the answers. Feel free to email
me with questions or comments or whatever.
Lizzie
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