Story by "Nicole"
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Hi,
I was diagnosed with Depersonalization
Disorder when I was 15. I first started getting the episodes when I was
10, and they scared me but I didn't tell anyone about them basically
because I thought everyone must have these sorts of things happen to them.
I mean, I thought that it's impossible to everyone to be in touch with
reality all the time.
Time passed and my next episode didn't come
until I was 13. I remember being in my room with my sister and all of a
sudden she didn't look the same. The colors that I saw started to become
brighter and the sounds that I heard because much clearer. When I looked
at her I knew it was my sister, but it just felt like I was watching a
movie and what I was seeing wasn't really my life. It felt like a dream
and I was supposed to wake up any minute because I knew it wasn't real.
But, the problem and panic came when I couldn't wake up. I refused to
believe that what I was seeing was real and I kept denying it trying to
"wake up" and getting more upset and more panicked when I
wouldn't wake up. My sister got scared and got my parents and my parents
then made me a doctor's appointment for the next day. We went, but my
doctor didn't know what was wrong so he sent me to the hospital for tests.
After a couple trips to the hospital and talking with neurologists they
ruled out epilepsy but couldn't determine what was wrong with me. By this
time I was convinced that I was perfectly fine and it was everyone else
that was crazy. I convinced myself that the reason why I was getting these
episodes was because everyone around me was drugging me or something and I
was just an experiment living on the earth. So, when I would get these
episodes it would be me coming off the drugs and realizing what was
happening to me. So, I thought the people around me didn't want me to find
out what was wrong they were telling me I was crazy. I became paranoid and
thought everyone was out to get me. I wouldn't go out in public for fear
that I would have an episode and break down in tears and fall to the
ground and everyone would stare at me. So, basically for all of junior
high and part of high school I wouldn't go out. It was very difficult.
After no luck at the hospital I was sent to a
psychologist who diagnosed me. She taught me relaxation techniques and
reassured me that I wasn't crazy and that no one was out to get me but
just that I have a disorder.
The episodes mostly come during times of high
stress and when I am sleep deprived. Unfortunately since I isolated myself
from the world as much as I could for so long it's hard for me to be in
social situations now. I go to college now and going out and socializing
is something that is very important. I've tried really hard to get back on
track though I still feel left behind sometimes by the fact that everyone
else looks so comfortable with being around people while I do not.
I had been free from the episodes for a
couple months but just about a week ago they started coming back very
strongly. I think it's because it's near finals and I have a lot of papers
to do as well as going through job interviews to find a job for the
summer. It came to a relief to me when I went in search for a website that
had people's stories on it that share the same thoughts and feelings that
I do sometimes. So, thank you for that.
Nicole
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