Story by "Pam"

 

I'm really pleased that I have found a site where people can submit their stories re: depersonalization. I don't mind using my real name and would be pleased to receive Emails.
 
I am 53yrs old and have been depersonalized since I was 19yrs old.  I think the cause of it began when I was 12.  I was due to attend a new school, was being transferred as was considered bright.  I became very conscious of myself and started having panic attacks when asked to read at school.  I am sure that it was because I felt I wouldn't measure up in the new school.
 
When at the new school, I became terrified of English lessons as would tremble, become breathless and feel acute embarrassment.  School became a nightmare.  I began experiencing absences.  I looked through medical dictionaries to find the cause and discovered epilepsy.  I didn't want epilepsy and so decided to hide the absences as best I could.  I would make excuses if someone was talking to me etc.  Eventually, after a couple of big seizures epilepsy was diagnosed although I was loathe to admit that I had been suffering from absences.  The Doctor who diagnosed it was so annoyed about me hiding the fact that I had been having absences that he laid into me listing all I could not do in life eg get married, have children, drive etc etc.  All my fears exploded into reality.  
 
I returned to college and began thinking about life - why I was me and if I died I would still be me and therefore I was trapped forever.  I thought about other people - wondered who they were and how they could be them if they weren't  me.  I wanted to be someone else without epilepsy but I knew I couldn't be anyone else because I would still be me!  My mind became overwhelmed with thoughts about existence and one day, when I was walking along a college corridor, I felt something click inside my head.  I felt distanced and different and the familiar surroundings appeared strange.  I remember going to the library and sitting down trying to wait for these awful, weird alien feelings to pass.  
 
They never did but I have survived!   I won't write anymore as I sure I have written enough!
 
Pam 


 

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