Story by "Randy"

 

  I don't even know how a person describes such a thing. From the time I was five years old I have always felt like I was "different". The world around me was for everyone else and I was from somewhere else. I remember a place I used to go to when I was young on my way home from school was where I first started feeling these things. I have tried to analyze it all through the years and never could. Even from that young age I felt that the world was dreamlike at times. This was not the usual childhood phenomena of growing up. This was a realization even at that age that something wasn't right.
 All through my teenage years I would have "spells" where laying in bed at night my thoughts were like actually "rolling" in my head, too intense to be "real', but yet hollow and ghostlike. I was moving and yet weighted down. Conflicting feelings to say the least.
 Waves of sound would go through my head like ghosts were calling me and whispering my name but they had no face or no substance. I was separated from any reality I thought I might have known.

 

 When I would have these attacks while awake every move I made was super emphasized and every tiny little thought and action I was painfully aware of. Too aware of because it made me almost helpless and I was at it's mercy. Even on a trip to the beach or the mountains I would be overcome with it because looking at the water wasn't real. I was floating and not the water. The mountains would look like a portrait painted and I tried to rationalize it as just the beauty of it was making it so picture perfect. But, no, I didn't experience it with any degree of pleasure or appreciation. Just fear. Fear of what? Fear that I would spiral out of control and become a vegetable.

 

 I suffer from depression and generalized anxiety disorder. Some say that contributes to it. What contributed to it as a young child? It is the spookiest thing on the planet. I have a hard time experiencing genuine joy and even as a young one I didn't. I still don't feel much and I really am not sure who I am. Almost goes hand in hand with depersonalization because it takes away your identity for a time too. There is only so much you can do to live with it because it is unearthly and not something I feel the human psyche is supposed to even feel. There are many more ways to explain it and many more experiences I have felt. I just don't know how to explain it adequately.
 
 Randy


 

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