Story of J

My name is Renee. I'm 35 years old. I cannot tell you how glad I am that I found this site. I also have disassociative disorder and it has "peaked" again for the third time. I was also diagnosed with PTSD. I was diagnosed with both 14 years ago. I have had many traumas in my life but I can honestly tell you all that NOTHING has been more traumatic than DD. NOTHING. I lost my job last November and had been very depressed because I had to go back on Social Security. It had been a personal goal of mine to get off of it so when I lost my job I was devastated to say the least. Over the past 4 or 5 months all I did was watch TV and vegetate. Finally, I had a panic attack, a big one, and that cranked up the anxiety/DD again. Right now I am so emotionally numb that I am having a very hard time just functioning. Top that all off with flashbacks, which have never, ever been more severe than they are right now, and I am literally falling apart. Having been through this before doesn't make it any easier. Like "J" you learn to live with it. I honestly thought that I was kind of "in the clear." I had another episode about 5 years ago and I thought that all the psychiatry and all of that was far behind me. I was depressed but impatient also. I just wanted to get on with my life and not have to wait for Social Security to kick back in and all of that. Then, tada!, I had this episode which has been devastating. I have to put my life on hold AGAIN. I am so scared right now that I will be institutionalized. That has been unshakable. But, the "good" news is that maybe this is subsiding a little. I have days when I feel more together so I am trying to take that as a good sign. I celebrate those days! Also, I just get to the point to where I have to cry and that releases some of this. I think the crying is more of the fear coming out than the depression. Anyway, I am so grateful that I found this site and was able to tell my story. I lived with this for over 14 years not knowing of ANYONE else who had it and seriously thought I was a freak. Thank God I have the internet this time.