Story by "Sidney"

 

To be honest, Iím not quite sure if I have depersonalization disorder. The symptoms I experience are all related to the disorder though, so I suspect that I do. At any rate, I thought that maybe my contribution might help others just as confused as me, so here it goes.

In all of the stories I read, none seemed to include the one major symptom I have been experiencing. The symptom is extreme clearness. My vision is so sharp, it is very disconcerting to look around. Of course the other symptoms are; feeling like Iím not really ďconnectedĒ anymore, not grounded. I feel here, Iím in touch with reality, I just feel like Iím floating. The panic attacks can get pretty severe sometimes, but at the moment Iím on Dramamine, which seems to help a little bit with keeping me calm. I also have extreme difficulty concentrating, my thoughts are in a hundred directions at once. This condition does seem to come and go Ė some days are worse then others. This of course confuses me more, as I donít understand what triggers an attack (of DP) to be worse some days then others.

I donít know how I got like this, but I have some ideas. Perhaps it was pot, although I have never smoked much. Maybe it was my chaotic childhood or troubled 16th year. I mostly blame it on Propoxy, a narcotic used to relieve pain. Although I only took it 4 times, I havenít felt the same since. I believe that it could have made me ďtoo saneĒ, as I realized just how awful life was without the aid of Propoxy.

One last thing I feel that is important to mention is prior to the DP I went through a period of pretty heavy depression that lasted 12 months. The 3 months following that I was in a manic state. And then wham! Iíve got DP. The first week of having it was pretty scary, and I must have had at least 30 panic attacks a day. Now I seem to be able to cope with it, with the help of Dramamine.

Another interesting development is the sense of a lack of feelings. I canít cry anymore, and if I try to I get this awful pain in my heart. I feel like I have no emotion. Life is meaningless Ö but somehow Iíll get through this.

I hope this story has been helpful. Feel free to email me with the link provided above in my name.

 

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