Story by Brandon


Hi my name is Brandon and I am not sure if I have DP, but I would like to
share my story so that anyone else who has experienced it can find solace.  I
had an episode last night for the 3rd or 4th time in my life and decided to do
an internet search. I was looking at anxiety sites, but the specifics of my
episodes weren’t jumping out at me. I found this site and after I read one or
two entries, I saw a correlation with the fact that many people’s first
episode was with marijuana as is the case with me.  In addition, such comments
as 'high forever' when referring to pot and if an episode was 'what death
might be like' hit close to home and I felt like sharing too.

I am 22 now, but when I was fourteen I experimented for the first and last
time with pot. My friends and I were doing a joint and suddenly I felt really
weird. It is very difficult to describe, but I'll make an attempt. I was
staring at my wall for I don't know how long, and then it felt as though I was
looking down a tunnel at the wall, and all this time feeling very out of
control and thinking this is how life will be forever and I would never come
out of it. From the peak of it to the end it was like the last few seconds of
sleep before I wake, where dream and reality meet. It was as though I was
watching a movie. As the episode progressed, and I gained more control of
myself I began to tell my friend to help me. It was a very weird feeling and
didn't happen again for a long time so I just assumed it was my body's
response to pot so I stayed away from it. But alcohol would prove to bring it
back on occasion. Last night was the first time it happened without
pharmacological help and it was the most severe episode.

Just last night (May 1st), I had my most recent episode. I had stayed up all
night to write a paper and then had to go to work until 1 in the afternoon. I
got home and tried to study a little bit, but fell asleep. I woke up at 11 pm
and wondered what time it was and what day as I usually do for a little bit
after all-nighter naps. I laid there trying to come to for a few minutes when
I started to feel a little weird. I rolled over and looked at my bookcase and
started to feel a little iffy about existence and if people really existed if
I couldn’t see them. I sat up and started feeling a combination of heat and
tingling all over my body something someone might associate with embarrassment
severe nervousness, or the feeling that overcomes one when one first hears of
a death of someone close. This began to develop further into the episode I had
had when I was 14 and times since. I began to feel as though I was trapped
forever in this state (a quick thought of suicide came to me, but then I
thought that I would experience the same thing for eternity in death). I
always come out of these episodes rather unscathed, but during them I am so
out of control of my mind that I can't think logically that I am going to be
o.k. but I'm not even in control of my logic at the time. The main thing was
that I had eternity ahead of me in this out-of-body state. This sounds stupid
but the best description is that I am the center of the universe and nothing
exists outside of my two set of eyes and that everyone in the world is a part
of me and knows my thoughts and actions. I can't stress the forever-ness
aspect that I feel and that I will be ‘trapped’ this way for eternity because
that is the part that scares me the most. After I had gained control of my
thoughts again, I was o.k. but in the middle of the episode is the scariest
thing I have ever experienced. There is so much more description that I want
to add to the episodes, but it is so difficult to describe in words. If there
is anyone out there with the same thing I understand what you go through in
these episodes. Just try daily to get better and you can. It is possible. I
have been on Paxil for three months and it has helped me tremendously for
depression. I wish everyone the best of luck. You are not alone. I now know
that just telling my story is a big catharsis. Thank you for reading.


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