Story by Kalar

 

After reading a few of the DP stories, I find myself compelled to write.
 
I found your site by searching on 'depersonalization disorder' which is a term I came across while re-reading a book by Suzanne Segal called Collision with the Infinite.  I was curious to see what sort of information was on the internet these days.
 
I have been dealing with this phenomenon, or something similar, for about 30 years and many 'variations on a theme.'  To say it's been horrifying most of the time would be an understatement although I must include here that I have never been hospitalized in any form for this 'affliction.'  I can only thank the grace of God for that since my mother was 'certified' mentally ill in spite of the fact that her problems were a direct result of a thyroidectomy that included removal of her parathyroid, by accident, during a time in medical history when they didn't fully understand the function of those glands or how to treat the consequences of their removal.  It's a wonder she survived but survive she did although her existence was a miserable one.  I find that's usually the case when someone lives in a time when knowledge is lacking to deal with certain medical anomalies.  We live in those times now, in spite of the fact that much arrogance abounds that we 'know it all.'
 
I suggest that we stop pathologizing this condition, DP.  A label might be helpful only insofar as it allows a grouping of 'like minds' or interested minds to come together for the sake of exploration and discussion.  The condition itself already includes a great deal of fear.  To pathologize the situation only increases that fear, sometimes to the point of terror.  The biological mind is 'geared' to terror associated with its lack of personal identity.  No point in pushing that button on purpose.
 
There are some books out there that were extremely helpful to me (thank God for the internet) that others might find benefecial.  They are the books by Bernadette Roberts and Suzanne Segal.  Anyone can search these authors on Amazon.com, for instance, and find the books.  They were the absolute most reassuring information I have come across for 'general' consumption that relate to a type of depersonalization.
 
My experience led me to obcessively and compulsively search for answers.  Along that path I've read theology, psychology, and even quantum physics and chaos theory.  None of the many, many books that I read had ALL the answers.  They all had 'some' of the pieces.....at least enough to keep me searching.  But the books by Bernadette Roberts and Suzanne Segal were the most helpful because they were 'real people' that had amazing experiences with a sense of 'no self.'
 
The real bottom line that I see is that, as human beings, we are geared to 'be here' in a physical condition that has certain 'rules' about it.  Those rules are geared to experience life through the senses, to include emotion and personal identity ass part of the package.  From a 'spiritual' aspect, moving beyong the sensory apparatus is part and parcel of what is called 'enlightenment.'  Few people really understand what that term means in everyday life.  'Enlightenment' is merely a state wherein the'burden' of the aspects of physicality and how the person 'is' in the world becomes lightened.  A 'load' is lifted.....'en-lightened.'  A different way of 'being here' is evolved into.  That's another point.  The term 'evolution' is not usually associated with esoteric terms such as 'enlightenement.'  'Evolution' is usually seen as a 'scientific' term or phenomenon.  It is actually the process of 'change' associated with 'maturation' or 'mutation' or 'adaptation' to a changing external world....a removal or letting go of what isn't working in order to develop, acquire, change into, what works better.
 
Our world is changing.  It's doing its own 'evolving', its own en-lightening.  In our personal arrogance, we are 'stuck' in thinking that what we are is what we are and the only thing that should change is our internalized knowledge, whether experiential in interacting with the outside world, moving to a new state or country, or through knowledge obtained from books, speeches, what-have-you.  The general concensus is that animals might change, adapt, as shown by Darwin and many others, but human beings don't do that.  We are as biological as the animals and should, quite obviously when you think about it, change as they do. 
 
We are not human beings trying to be spiritual.  We are spiritual beings experiencing 'life' on a physical plane.  That plane has rules.  It changes.  It evolves.  That's what it's suppose to do.  We, present day, are not the last word in what it is to be a 'human being.'   We have forgotten the game plan.  We don't accept that there are rules to this place and part of the rules include 'change.'  If we don't change, the experience of being 'human' will become increasingly difficult, painful, terror-filled.  The spirit of human beings will die on the vine out of sheer boredom, if nothing else, once the 'sameness' of existence becomes intolerable.
 
Depersonalization is an evolutionary step by the unseen spirit inhabiting the flesh toward the recognition of life on earth without the physical sensory input.  A different 'input' will be experienced.  But the old has to be let go of before the new can arrive.  DP is the space between the dots.  In order to pick up and read a new book, the old book has to be laid down.  DP is the 'laying down' of the old book.  The  movement involved in the closing of the book and the laying down of it.  No input or 'outgo' is occuring while the person is closing the book and moving their hand to lay it down.  Again, the space between the dots.  :)
 
Your site is surely a welcomed refuge for those that are experiencing 'the space between the dots.'  It's always helpful to know that you're not alone.  Ironically, for those experiencing DP, the awareness that you are not alone is not as helpful as it might be for other 'conditions.'  The depersonalization by its very nature seems to prohibit much reassurance by others due to the inability to connect and internalize an association of 'us.'
 
Thank you for any consideration you might give to posting my letter.  If you decide that my letter is worthy of posting, you may include my email address if you like: Kalarwalters@bellsouth.net.


 

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