Story by Sarah

 

Hi my name is Sarah,
I will just explain the symptoms that i have experienced of depersonalization. I find that when I am concentrating on a project especially something that has to do with my hands or if I have awoken from a nap that is during the day I start to hear a low frequency sound a bit like a radio that cannot be tuned I try to ignore the sound but then I start to focus and my physical actions become progressively slower my mind is having this dialogue that no time hasn't slowed down you are going the same pace. Yet the objects start to take on this hyper real persona they are cartoonish and the space that I have been focusing in on starts to glimmer like a crystal refracting in the light and I am trying so hard to fight it and wanting very much to get back into my body, for time to become normal and for the white noise to stop. For a long time I thought I was having a seizure or a brain tumor or something but I still had consciousness I am aware that everything is wrong. The episodes would pass and I would somehow sweep the whole experience away until the next one.
 
I have found that if i am honest with myself and I reflect upon when these episodes occur I usually have alot on, I'm feeling stressed and anxious but trying really hard to ignore it because I want to finish what I am doing, I am usually tired. I have tried pot a couple of times and never enjoyed it i have fooled around with ecstasy a few times and have found it so intense that I firmly believe I dont need it. I havent had an episode in awhile and I can almost feel it coming on abit like a migrain I suppose what I find the most frightening is that I cant handle the way, my body feels like it is going in slow motion that everything is not fixed, my whole sense of perception is warped, I want to come back into my body yet I'm not there and I am awake. So this is what I do I think the excerises are by some Russian guy I cant remember how you spell his name I think its Orage? anyhow he has these alphabet and number sequences you can do to clam your mind and to focus I use this one abcd.dcba.bcde. edcb all the way to z and then I do it backwards and it seems to bring me back. I m not sure if that makes sense but it calms me down and lessens the duration of the episodes. Warmest Regards

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