Story by Alina

 

Hi my name is Alina and I came upon this website
thanks to a good friend who attempted to aid my
hopeless situation.  I am 16 years old and for the
last two years I've been struggling with what I
thought was a numbing depression.  I am thankful to
him and to the site for finally showing me that I
amnot alone in this lonely universe.  It happened
randomly, overnight.  One day I'm exercising,
laighing, enjoying life, the next morning I open my
eyes and I'm in a dream.  The first week I though I
was alseep, or at least sick with some virus that
caused dizziness and hallucinations.  Then i realized
it was no dream, and I became scared, very very
scared.  I didn't know what was wrong.  Life became an
abstract, obscure, mix of colors that made no sense.
I thought, alright it's just puberty or it's
exhaustion, maybe yoga and meditation, or god knows
what.  But after one month, two months, six months,
two years it didn't go away.  So I thought, fine.  I
learned to deal with it and suffer quite a bit.  I
used to be an overachiever ad now I can hardly study.
I don't feel alive.  Here is soemthing I wrote in my
journal entry long before I came upon this site.  It's
amazing how my thoughts that I personally
singlehandedly thought of and put on paper to try to
explain what the hell was going on sound just like the
accounts told by the rest of the individuals on this
site:

"I do not know.  I do not understand how I can type,
much-less think in this state of mind.  I am confused.
As I sit here writing, I am internally neutral and
externally stunned at the fact that though I see
through a great blur, I am able to do basic tasks of
the average human, such as write and express my
thoughts.I feel nothing towards anyone or anything.  I
do not know what I want or who I am.  I do not know
why I am here, what my purpose is.  I live in a world
of abstractions, visions, fleeting memories.  I live
in mental numbness and spiritual blockage. This state
seems unnatural to me... I am blank.  When will you
untie the cloth from my eyes and show me the present,
God?  I am being suffocated, just take off the cloth."

And the term depersonalization seems fully applicable
to my state, which I have just deemed "state" for lack
of understanding.  It has created an inability to
connect, care, affiliate myself with ideas, nature,
others...and I had always been very sociable and
outgoing prior to this occurrence.  I still believe
doing yoga and meditation may have brought on this
state, which may be something to study for all you
shrinks, who have not helped me at all claiming
nothing is wrong...Well I have learned to live with
the state and my range of emotions goes from numb to
deeply depressed, no emotion, deep melancholy, and on
my good days simply neutrality.. but I still cannot
say I regret having the state even though it has
traumatized my life because I feel like I know and
understand life at its core, which others without the
state cannot.  And its funnt how many of my theories
about the state which I have written down are exactly
the same as those written on this site, showing that
what is taking place is precisely depersonalization.
Thank you.  Everyone should read
Demian--depersonalization at its core, and the book
that helped me deal and still helps me deal with my
state. 
 

 

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