Story by Katie

 

Hi everyone, my  name is katie. I'm not good at writing, but here goes. I am 19 and i have been struggling with this thing, DP i guess, for about a year now. I had never heard of DP until tonight when i was doing random online research ( which usually brings no progress), hoping to find an answer to what the heck is wrong with me. I don't think I have ever been more happy, but at the same time terribly upset. I cried and cried as i read letter after letter of the same thing. For the first time in about a year i don't feel like I'm crazy, there are actually other people out there feeling what i'm feeling and going through what i'm going through. Mine started the end of my senior year of high school. I would have a "weird episode" as i call them, but it would only last for about an hour or two then go away and come back a week or two later. I basically ignored it and didn't think anything of it. Then one day at the beginning of summer, i had a "weird episode" and it never really went away. I was put in the hospital several times and tossed back and forth between about 6 different doctors. They ran every test imaginable on me; EEG's MRI's Catscans spinal taps halter monitor tests, etc. I was wrongly diagnosed with epilepsy for about a month and a half. I spent my whole summer in hospitals and doctors offices getting poked with needles, totaling up a nice $10,000 + medical bill for my mom to pay. It is very frustrating trying to deal with this. I feel weird all the time. I feel like i'm in a dream and that nothing is real. I tried to explain to the doctors that things just "look funny" to me and that theres something wrong with my eyesight even though i have 20/20 vision. I feel weird all the time, but about once a week it gets really bad and i can barely function. I don't feel like a real person , its like i'm the only one in my world. It almost feels similar to being slightly high, or like I'm barely buzzing from a little bit of alcohol. I have never done heavy drugs, but i smoked weed one time and i think i was laced with something, since i was seeing crazy shit for about 8 hours. I have also had depression on and off for the past 4 years. I don't know if either of those factors plays a part in DP. It is hard to try to get my family and friends to understand what its like. I use words like "dizzy", so they can relate, but its really a true dizzy feeling. There really is no proper textbook definition to describe it, except miserable. School is really difficult as a result. I'm not doing too terrible, but its hard to read for more than an hour without starting to feel bad. I feel like my memory has gotten worse, not bc i'm any stupider than i was a year ago, but its like there's something blocking the connection that would have otherwise made it very simple. My eyes have become very sensative to light and prolonged stimulation. I don't know if anyone else has had this happen, but i often feel my worst when I'm in a crowded noisy restaurant. I'm not sure why that is. I hope i didn't discourage anyone because there are some things that make me feel better! Being outside helps and so does exercising. The most important thing i can do, is to DISTRACT MYSELF AND STAY BUSY. Sometimes when i'm so distracted i almost feel normal. The best I have ever felt while having DP, was when i went tubing down the Brazos river with my friends. I was outside and too preoccupied with having fun to feel weird or have one of my episodes. I hope that one day I will feel normal again, but until then I've just got to have faith.
 
Please email me you guys! utredheadgirl05@yahoo.com

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