Story of Rodney

 

I'm gonna start by saying that at a pretty early age I felt slight periods of depersonalization and was prone to panic attacks, night terrors, and paranoia. My family has always known me to be different and would joke about me being crazy and I too never took these things seriously. I've always been a bit of a loner even when I do manage to be social it's forced and fake and I feel like I'm just acting. I've also always been into far out thinking and philosophy, existentialism and stuff like that. Anyway what I've described above I've always been. What I'm about to describe is knew I just think the above is in some way connected.

About 2 years ago I had a child and wasn't ready for it, at the same time I dropped out of school and started having many problems with my girlfriend, somehow my mind turned of and I stopped feeling. I knew my emotions where there but just wasn't feeling them. You see being emotional by nature all of this would hurt and so I figured that's why my mind was shutting down and I accepted it, wanted it even, for I believed with time I would feel again the way I used to. So I went on feeling numb, dead, having difficulty thinking and concentrating and being aware of my minds processes like every thought and the thought that thought would lead to (this was an attempt to control my thoughts and shape myself into being what I wanted to be) but somewhere in-between I became very automatic and lost sense of self which I have never fully had anyway. But again I was ok with it all. It was when about 3 months ago now I took ecstasy that my depersonalization became bad, You see the ecstasy made
Me lose all my energy and so shortly after taking it I felt awful and decided to myself that it was time to snap out of this dream I've been in for 2 years now, after trying to snap out of it for 3 days I realized I couldn't. You see up to this point I thought I was in total control of the depersonalization and when I realized I wasn't I started getting very scared. Because of the ecstasy I had gotten significantly worse, didn't feel any real emotion (except fear) couldn't concentrate on work (and I work at home depot in the parking lot) couldn't remember much and felt very isolated because I could hardly hold conversations before I would forget what I had started talking about. I also felt very dreamy or high especially at night.

Anyway to get to the point of this message After about 2 long weeks I finally went to a doctor and got prescriptions for antidepressants (which the doctor believed was the cause) and antipsychotics (which the doctor believed would help with the disordered thoughts) these drugs gave me enough energy and motivation to finally try and change my life, It was hard at first, I had trouble focusing on having fun even, but each day I would write up what was to be accomplished and get it done no matter what and slowly things started to fall into place, I started talking to my old friends, getting involved with work, and finishing my school at home, and somewhere between it all I focused enough on these things to forget I even had DP and you know what it seems the less you focus on it the better it gets, do things get out and most importantly communicate with others get on their wavelengths understand their ways of thinking so that you wont feel alone even if their ways of thinking are
stupid. Anyway Now I feel DP very seldom, only at night and when I go on thinking too much to myself. It seems to be improving.


 

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